RUSSIAN SPACE PROBE DISCOVERS HEAVEN!

HUBBY`S BAD BREATH KILLS HIS WIFE!

HITLER WAS A WOMAN!

GALS! SNEEZING MAKES YOUR BREASTS BIGGER!

MAN SAWS OFF ARM TO GET HANDICAPPED PARKING STICKER!

GAY CHIMP FALLS IN LOVE WITH CIRCUS MIDGET!

All the headlines above actually appeared in the Weekly World News, a supermarket tabloid that traffics in eye-popping tales of extraterrestrials, life after death, miracle cures, Elvis sightings and highly improbable human drama. The Weekly World News has so trampled traditional standards of fair and responsible journalism, so abandoned even the pretense of objectivity and truth-telling, that it has earned the distinction of being America's Crappiest Newspaper. Needless to say, we at the Style Invitational find it a total delight.

THIS WEEK's CONTEST

Write a headline for the Weekly World News (Maximum length, 10 words)

First-prize winner will get an article written about him in the Weekly World News (Editor Eddie Clontz has agreed to do this), a selection of handsome Weekly World News T-shirts, plus all of the national shame and ridicule occasioned by that notoriety.

Runners-up will get the coveted "Style Invitational" loser's T- shirts. As always, winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 8, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 3. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

REPORT FROM WEEK 5 (Part II)...

In which we challenged you to come up with funny legislation based on the real names of congressmen. But first, a personal word to the winners and runners-up of our previous contests, the men and women whose creative genius has delighted millions of readers and fueled the dubious engine of this cheesy contest, but who have been sending us polite letters wondering where their prizes are: Get a life, you whiny little precocious over-achieving smart-ass nerds. Your prizes aren't ready yet.

And Now, This Week's Winners:

Fifth Runner-Up: The Fowler-Fish White Wine Distribution Act (Robin Rogoff Star, Rockville)

Fourth Runner-Up: The Long-Boren-Stump Campaign Limitation Act (Michael J. Hammer, Washington)

Third Runner-Up: The Regula-Crapo Prune Subsidy Bill (Ira P. Robins, Bethesda)

Second Runner-Up: The Hamburg-Shelby-Dunn Meat Cooking Act (Robert Lennartz, Charlottsville)

First Runner-Up: The Kilder-Wise-Byrd Act, a repeal of the Spotted Owl Endangerment Law (Patricia Dollar and Ira Rutberg, McLean)

AND THE WINNER OF THE WHOOPIE CUSHION AND OTHER REVOLTING NOVELTY ITEMS: The Cantwell-English-Read Dyslexia Research Funding Bill (Jacki Drucker, Arlington)

And Honorable Mentions:

The Watt-Eshoo-Inouye Sex-Change Regulatory Act (Carol Vance, Washington)

The Ewing-Watt-Armey Verbal Taunting Ban (Jennifer Mazarr, Arlington)

The Condit-Wheat Parent and Child Restroom Act (Rubin Rogoff Star, Rockville)

The Wyden-Dorgan Penile Implant Safety Act (Lauren Scott, Washington)

The Leach-Mica-Deal Monty Hall Commemorative Stamp Act (Steve Aaronson, Arlington)

The Klecza-Gejdenson-Ros-Lehtinen-Hockbrueckner-Falcomavaega Simplified Internal Revenue Code ("Dee Dee," Silver Spring)

The Mazzoli-Waters Oil Spill Control Bill (Leon Slavin, Laytonsville)

The Meek-Young-Mann-Holden-Dickey-Harman-Nunn Exhibitionist Freedom of Expression Act (Mark Pitre, Rockville)

The Robb-Peterson-Payne-Pell Income Redistribution Act (Gar Enders, Arlington)

The Crane-Fawell-Olver Construction Safety Act (Darren Mitchell, Mount Ranier)

The Watt-D'Amato-Whitten-Johnson Anti-Impotency Law (Matt Dickert, Reston)

And last, The Bradley-Jefferson Bill to Erect a Living Memorial for Oustanding U.S. Citizens (Bradley Jefferson, Centreville)

NEXT WEEK: PUTTING WORDS IN THEIR MOUTHS.